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Do online relationships count as real relationships? I don't think they do. Whenever I am ask I always reply I am single. Because I am. I don't live with anyone. No one shares my bed or heart. It doesn't matter how many people say we are dating. It's online. It's words. It's not real.

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LifeInShadows
02:57 Feb 23 2023

I agree.

I also noticed if you don't cater to a fantasy you are ghosted, ignored, or replaced.

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immortalxkiss
05:30 Feb 23 2023

I don't know if I would necessarily say they aren't real. You can meet someone online and fall in love, the feelings can be very real. Just because you're not there in person, doesn't mean what you feel for the other person isn't valid. I've been in a fair few online relationships in my time, and at no point would I have considered those relationships any less real than the ones I've had with someone I could be face to face with.

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Your words leave a bad taste in my mouth. They cut right through me. It's so annoying. Why even talk to me? Oh I get it now. I'm not supposed to be happy or to work on myself. I'm not supposed to have self esteem or think good of myself. You want me broken. Well guess what? This week I'm not sucidal and you can go to fucking hell. Do you your worst.

What do normal people do when they want to feel better about themselves? I guess its time for a glow up until I no longer feel ugly

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Vampirewitch39
11:57 Feb 22 2023

Stay strong, and you are the only one who can truly love you. So start now

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How can you hate someone so much Lockedinamber and still allow them in your life? You act like I have a choice. I don't. I know you are thinking everyone has a choice but that's not true. I have to keep him in my life to protect the only people I care about in this world. I have no choice. It's one thing to completely break me down, it's another thing when his incompetence hurts the only people I care about.

I know eventually karma will come back around for him and I can't wait to watch her take his skin for what he has done. Yes I hate him. With good reason to, if you knew the entire story of what he did to me, I bet you would hate him too. I bet you would feel some anger towards him even if you had never met him. Because what he did was unforgivable and he still isn't remotely sorry for.

Today he smiles and pretends everything is great. He broke the unbreakable. He gets everything he wants and keeps me on a short leash of obedience. The one woman who has been unattainable her entire life now has to grovel at his feet like I am nothing more but lowly trash. He has the control and at any time all he has to do is hit the button and once again I'm living in a nightmare begging to die and to go to Hell. He knows he has won. He takes what he wants out of my body whenever he feels like it. And I have to let him. Because if I don't this time I won't be the only one stuck in a painfilled nightmare. And I can't put my two hearts through that.

I wished he found his soulmate, but I doubt their is a woman evil enough to match him. All I can hope is that one day he will get his and I will be able to live my life freely without him. I can hope to keep my two hearts safe and give them both a better life.

Here's to hoping....

I've never dreamt of her before. When she was alive I loved her so dearly. But she's been dead since I was 6 or 7 years old. Her face was erased over the years. But I dreamt of her and saw her face. I feel odd. My dreams have always mattered in some way. Even if it were just a warning to ignore certain things. I spent the day missing a very distant memory. It was nice to see her again. But that's not why I feel so odd. I was stuck in two different places in my dream. One I know too well it has haunted me for too long. The other one I've never seen. I feel like maybe I am going to die soon. I was late in the dream for something important. It felt ominous. Will I really die soon? I'm in between how I should feel.

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Vampirewitch39
19:17 Feb 19 2023

Death maybe in a different way. As in job, relationship. Something ending in your life, not you. Its all in how you 'see' it.

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I hate valentines day. Not only am I alone like I always seem to be even when I am dating someone, but today I got rejected. Not once but twice. By someone I had been chatting with for months now. Just out of nowhere asks me a question, I answer honestly and bam. I don't want to talk to you anymore. I shouldn't let it bother me. It was probably a bot anyway. But that doesn't make me feel any better.

Today is just a bad day. Today my depression and self destruction won this round. All I can think about is how I want to jump off the roof.

Sigh, I must be a monster. I'm unattainable and not fit for dating anyone

I bitch and whine about not having anyone to talk to. Then I log on and people have sent me messages telling me they are available if I need someone to talk to. Truth is, I don't trust anyone anymore. I can't share my thoughts and anything meaningful with anyone. Every time I trust someone they remind me why I shouldn't have in the first place. They remind me of the cruelty that underlies within the world. Most of the time I just delete the messages without responding. It's better to not let anyone in. It's better not to get attached to anyone. Then I don't have to worry about getting stabbed in the heart by my own shards of broken heart.

Loneliness is just my punishment. The only peace I have is to come to this journal and bleed my soul into it. The journal is the only thing I trust because it's been a big part of my life since 2005. Out of everything it is the only thing that has stayed in my life.

My past is filled with ruins, and scars. I am doing my best to be a better version of myself and at least cover up my scars. It's so hard to go through each day pretending I am something strong. When in all reality, most days it's a fight between staying alive and wanting to die.

My new place is nice but so quiet. I spend most of my nights making sure things are secure. They are because the only person left in this world to hurt me is him. I wish he would honestly go find someone else or leave the state. I wish for my two hearts to remain safe with me. I wish for a mafia boyfriend who would protect me and mine at all costs. Who would love me unconditionally and never let anyone hurt me again.

But wishes are a luxury I cant afford. Wishes get me no where but pain. Because in reality, none of that exists. The only person I have is me. I have to fix myself. I have to save myself. I have to remind myself love is just a myth. I have to fix everything broken in my life by myself.

I wish I wasn't so alone. It would be rare to spend this stupid holiday with someone for once .

My opinion of myself doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is I survive one more day for my two hearts. Fuck everything else. Fuck feelings, hopes dreams, wishes and living a life.

I'm fed up. I am angry. I have to keep smiling and keep pushing through like I want to live. I don't honestly believe I still want to live but I put on a good act. Everything is pointless and meaningless.

He took what he wanted from me then acted like the time I got with my heart was a small reward. Fuck it. Whatever. Let him have it. He can't possibly do anymore damage than what he has already done. Maybe ill get lucky and he will die soon. I honestly don't care anymore. Let him do his worse to me so I can protect my two hearts. One day he will reap what he has sewn. Karma will take care of him or ill find a way to get away with it and do it myself.

I've stopped searching for someone to save me. I've stopped searching for the ever elusive love. I will die before I find either. I have learned to accept it. There is no point in chasing after urban legends.

So the truth finally comes out. The only reason why he is being nice is because he wants to fuck me anytime he wants. And if I don't then he will continue to hurt me and make my worse than a living hell. I fucking hate him. He is worse than stomach bile. So he's given me a month to figure out whether or not I am taking the deal or whether or not I'm going back to being tortured. What a piece of shit. He already destroyed everything, forcing me to start over from below the ground. Now he wants to fuck up my body even more.

He told me I am not allowed to take anyone else. Or even talk to anyone else. He has various people watching my every move. Its infuriating.

Valentine's Day used to actually be one of my favorite holidays. Growing up, I would spend hours making Valentine's for everyone in my class. I would always do extras for the kids who couldn't afford valentines. I always made sure they had something to hand out. It didn't matter how long it took me to make them, or when I got to be 12 how many hours I had to work in order to buy them.

But in school, I never got a single valentine. Not one. Instead, I've always spent my valentine's day alone. Not by my choice. People loved to bully me. Or my boyfriends I dated never wanted to show affection. They would celebrate Valentine's day with their friends or someone they were seeing on the side.

Once people realized, I never got a Valentine they got meaner. "Oh look at Lockedinamber, she has no one because she's so ugly and stupid." they would chant while they would inflict physical pain on me.

Once I started to work, I would use my tip money to send myself flowers every year until I was out of college. I always had the card signed by "your secret admirer."

No one caught on, that I only did that so people would leave me alone. On several valentines, I had to lie and create a boyfriend just for some peace. But secretly, I had just expressed my wish of finding someone who would know me to know I would want something unique. It didn't matter if it cost nothing, because money never mattered to me.

This year, I'm just not going to acknowledge the holiday. I mean what's the point? To me, this holiday just feels hollow and empty.